#PerahuKertas

"Aku nggak mau sepuluh, dua puluh tahun dari hari ini aku masih terus-terusan memikirkan orang yang sama. Bingung di antara penyesalan dan penerimaan."

"..Karena hati tak perlu memilih, ia selalu tahu kemana harus berlabuh."

"Saya nggak mau selamanya menjadi bayang-bayang. Saya nggak mau."

"Hati kamu mungkin memilihku, seperti juga selalu memilihmu. Tapi hati bisa bertumbuh dan bertahan dengan pilihan lain. Kadang, begitu saja sudah cukup. Sekarang aku pun merasa cukup."

"Carilah orang yang kamu nggak perlu meminta apa-apa, tapi dia akan memberikanmu segalanya," ucap Remi. "Kamu Remi, kamu yang bisa seperti itu ke aku.." Kugy berucap bergetar, menangis. "Iya, mungkin kamu yang sudah ketemu, saya belum. " Remi menutup pembicaraan.

"Keheningan seakan memiliki jantung. Denyutnya terasa satu-satu, membawa apa yang tak terucap. Sejenak berayun di udara, lalu bagaikan gelombang air bisikan itu mengalir, sampai akhirnya berlabuh di hati."

"Aku melepas kamu supaya kamu nggak terus-terusan berusaha membahagiakan aku. Karena sesungguhnya hati kamu sudah tidak disini."

"Bersama denganmu, semuanya terasa dekat. Dan bumi hanya sebutir debu dibawah kaki kita."

"Hati itu dipilih, bukan memilih. Bertahan atau melepas, bagaimana hatimu, tergantung hatimu. Hatimu yang tahu."

"Saya cinta, selalu cinta, dan akan terus cinta sama kamu. Perasaan ini nggak ada habisnya."

"Jatuh cinta dengan pelan-pelan, jangan sekaligus, nanti berat."

Perahu Kertasku melaju.... bersama Keenan dan K kecil lain yang masih di dalam perut.

Might Be

the night was released by the time

and reason coming without giving you a space to think

the things that you try to keep inside by yourself finally peeled off

the intention changed

you like turn off your way

and just accept the way it is

suddenly, you asking yourself about something that you can't broke

"is the night armor finally coming?"

or there is no night armor? it is just a cliche?

you only see black and white

but suddenly, like a paint spills into one

you finally see the colors; blue, pink, magenta, orange

your world not only black and white

but the worst is when you doesn't want to think about that;

might be the night armor can be true.

might be the things not always peel off.

might be the colors are true.

might be.

....

and

it's all because you scared to feel hurt again

or maybe you just don't realize the color that finally coming into your life.

tangerang, 6 october 2012.

(photo courtesy: Rezky Nugraha)

Jakarta 1.20 AM - Ubud 2.20 AM

Tengah malam ini saya tersadar hidup yang saya jalani hanya berputar di hal yang "itu-itu saja." Rutinitas menjadi sebuah kata yang menyerang setiap harinya, mengembang, dan membuat epidermi kata rutin menjadi semakin terasa sangat nyata.

Terkadang, saya ingin sekali bisa merasakan ketenangan seperti di Ubud ketika sedang berada di Jakarta. Tidak ada bangunan tinggi, tidak ada bunyi klakson mobil yang merasa "paling" sehingga akhirnya tidak sabar dan saling tikung, tidak ada rasa negatif, tidak ada momen dikejar waktu dan hanya dikejar sunrise dan sunset, tidak ada sinetron tapi radio nasional.

Sehari di Ubud, saya merasa begitu banyak mengenal diri saya sendiri. Di Jakarta, 21 tahun saya masih sering bertanya (sampai saat ini) mengapa sebenarnya kita harus bertahan pada norma-norma "kebenaran" yang sudah disepakati sejak awal tanpa persetujuan dari kita, orang yang menjalaninya? Setidaknya di Ubud, saya sempat mengenal diri saya, walau hanya sejenak. Tidak ada rasa pesimis yang terus menyerang dengan intens semenjak kembali ke Jakarta. Tidak ada rasa ketidakpercayaan yang selalu muncul ketika melihat orang baik.

Pukul satu dini hari.... saya merasa begitu rindu. Saya merasa memiliki rindu yang tidak terbendung. Bukan dengan siapa-siapa. Hanya rasa kangen dengan kesendirian yang benar-benar sendiri tanpa perlu merasa kesepian. Saya selalu menangis setiap kali merasa sendiri dan sepi. Tidak ada masalah sebenarnya dengan kesendirian, namun sepi adalah sebuah momok. Ia tidak boleh menginjak ulu hati saya atau rasa sakit yang masa lalu yang melekat akan kembali terasa.

Rutinitas. Bahkan melupakan rasa sakit saja membutuhkan rutinitas tahunan sebelum kita akhirnya menyerah pada ketidakberdayaan dan akhirnya merelakan, lalu melepaskan yang benar-benar lepas dan lega.

Jakarta terlalu ...... ramai. Dan saya benci keramaian, tapi saya tidak ingin kesepian. Aneh memang. Tapi begitulah keadaan sesungguhnya.

Saya merasa 'kosong' berbicara dengan orang Jakarta. Bukan soal logika atau kemampuan berpikir, tapi perihal ketulusan. Sedikit orang yang "benar-benar ada" untuk kita ketika sedang berbicara. Benar-benar "membantu berdiri" ketika kita terjatuh duduk.

Mengapa terasa begitu sulit percaya dengan orang lain? Bahkan belajar mencintai saja sulit. Mencintai segala yang baru: lingkungan, pelajaran, rutinitas, pekerjaan. Mungkin ini saatnya belajar keras. Atau mungkin ini saatnya kembali memejamkan mata, lalu tertidur, berharap begitu terbangun saya sudah memiliki rutinitas berbeda.

Ya, ya, saya tahu itu tidak mungkin. Baiklah.

Selamat pagi, Ubud...

Thank You For The Sky ...

So, today was ... awesome. Or can I called today with the best Saturday I've had until now? I can, I guess. Remember, I once told you that happiness is a state of mind? Remember that I told you before about being happy is simple? I got a prove today.

I, maybe, a very cheesy girl who really loves something related with nature. I can drop a tears only because I see a big rainbow after the rain. I can feel so happy when I can spend a lot of night see the sky is full of stars. Mostly, everything about nature can make me happy.

And today, I got a very (lemme say) early present for my next birthday. I got sky; a very deep, blue, cottony sky from Houston, Texas. I know it's cheesy, I know it's so weird, but for me, this is the best thing that someone gave to me. Ever.

Why suddenly that people come up with sky? So, at our chat, I once said I really wanna see a sky from where he lives which is Houston, Texas. He said he can't go outside and bring the video camera to lively record the sky, so he suggest to give me the sky I want to see in other way, which is video or photo.

So, the next day after that chat, I asked him, 'where is my sky?' but he forgot about it. But today, suddenly he come up with sent me those 42 files. I really no have idea what he sent, because the last thing he sent to me was his own photo .... which is a very freak boy with broken teeth and blood covered his face. All around his face.

.....Because I thought he wants to fool me again, I'm not expecting something good from all those 42 files.

And when I opened it, look what I got... a very cottony sky from Texas. It makes me smile for the rest of the day. See? Being happy is simple, right? Happiness is a state of mind, right? When you tell your mind to be happy, you'll happy. Vice versa.


.......

Call it cheesy. Call it stupid. But still, it's a very best thing I ever had ... a man who brought me sky. I mean, it's sky! Even it's only a picture but I still feel grateful.

So, here, I specially made this post for you. For keeping my mind from thing named "forget" and for give you a special kind of thank you. So, thank you, Monster Alligator.

It's so sweet of you. :)

(Anyway pardon my bad English. I try my best to make the grammar and stuff, right.)

Life IS Funny :)

You feel so alone. You feel like every single dialogue that you do with other people just a bunch of shit. You try to do your best but you know you just messed it up, in the end.

You don't know what supposed you do. The only surely thing you know very sure is you always make a mistake. That's it. Like … you don't have any problem but you feel like your breath is taken away for something you don't know.

But the good news, your feeling is getting strong about something. Something like how funny people called themselves with best friend forever but they also talking about you behind your back. Strange.

You know what, I had this feeling before and that's why I always keep on my mind that I never want a close relationship with someone.

"Because in the end, people will get hurts."

That quote I got from (500) Days of Summer. At the first when I watched the movie, I feel like Summer Finn is so arrogant. But now .. I know she is just true with herself.

Yep. In the end, either you or your closest one will get hurt … or you hurt each other. Maybe because that's how world works, Gotye can make his famous song. "Somebody That I Used To Know" … maybe I'll. Someday. One day, talk to you with a deep smile on me and said "now, you just somebody that I used to know…"

Well, that's because life play with us. Because life is so funny and they give us many kind of jokes that sometimes we don't get and says: "It's not funny, dude. It hurts."

Backyard Cafe, Teras Kota
22:03

(*ps: At the first, I decide not to publish this in any form and just keep it for myself. But in the end, I know I can't do that and I decide to publish it.)

(*pss: Dedicated for one with the "D" initial. You know it's for you.)